Good morning beauties,This morning for breakfast i had something a wee bit different, i was inspired by the wonderful girly Maggie from My breakfast blog, to make brown rice porridge for breakfast! hers just looked ridiculously delicious :) and i guess my goal of breaking out of oatmeal for breakfast was somewhat conquered, not really lol...i guess brown rice is like the same as oatmeal? a grain...but never the less it felt like i was going outside oatie comfort zone and trying something different and this was amazing!
definitely going to be making brown rice porridge's and perhaps quinoa and other grains into breakfast's!...i have so many ideas! :)
I remember when i was 16, i saw this holistic health counselor, who was so amazing, and so inspiring, Maya and i would go to her home and cook with her, and talk about nutrition, do yoga, and make dream boards(like an inspiration collage) that we would put pics of things we wanted in our life on it! she was so lovely, she introduced us to goji berries, papaya, coconut, lots of other things... and would always eat brown rice for breakfast with coconut oil and fruit :)
Well to make this breakfast i cooked 1/4 cup dry basmati brown rice in water until fluffy and done, then let it sit and heated it up and poured 1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla hemp milk over top, 1/2 a melted banana mixed in, 2 tbsp of raisins, cinnamon, clove, vanilla extract and a drizzle of raw honey. and topped with 2 tbsp of toasted chopped walnuts, and a bit more hemp milk poured over at the end.
this was so splendid, and smelled heavenly while cooking! loved it and savored each bite!
Maggie starts such great breakfast trends, love everything she comes up with! :)
Well ahhh today i am feeling good, pretty good i guess, i think i should perhaps do some art today, i don't know...hmmm...i am feeling motivated, and my season with my nutritionist the other day was great, love this lady, she looked through my food journal and said it looked like i had a great diet...just i need to up my calories more this week, and perhaps mroe variety and more protein and drink more water...(ha remember when i would drink like 20 cups a day! jeezz things have changed lol)
i feel it will just get harder and harder the longer i stay at 2200...and i know i need more to repair my body...despite that my ED tells me that i am fine because i gained like 4-5 lbs since i have been on this amt, but i know i must take that leap.
well yesterday at the school it was triggering to see they had a HUGE gym with like 50+ elliptical trainers and tread mills etc, my ED got so excited that if i go here i could use these machines and i was just having all these thoughts of how i could drop so much while away from home...but NO way will i listen to my ED...i must take care of my body, and in the future even if i am at a healthy weight i know i must be super careful with things like this....
well i stood there in the gym, and looked in the huge tall mirrors around the room and it clicked, o.m.g i look like shit. i looked so much smaller than everyone, a bit demented....and my legs looked like little twigs...it scared me to be honest, i had no clue i looked so bad...i seriously was shocked to see myself in a full length mirror next to other people.
Its so scary that one minute i see someone so huge and then i can have such a moment when i see the opposite. ED Is such a liar, and an ass.
well today i think i am going to just lay low and relax, i am not feeling too well, getting sick again...and i hate it, every time i have a fever or cold, my mom doesn't believe me because even though i feel like i am burning up, my hands are still freezing....
and it is so hard to eat all my meals and snacks without having urges not to due to feeling sicky, but i always do 100% of my meals and snacks despite that...yesterday was just so draining and long.
my post last night i was feeling really unmotivated to be honest, really low and sad, and in the car ride home from Brooklyn i was having major urges, thinking about loosing the 10lbs i've put on :( just feeling depressed....i dont even know why i was thinking all this?
My Therapist the other day was good...she told me that if i loose any weight i am going to be sent to IP...i was like, "why?!" i havent lost anything yet and i am consistently gaining 1-2 lbs a week?"(in my head)... why does she think i would loose? i feel like a lot of professionals often dont believe in me, but i know she just said this because of my weight, and i know it would be a dangerous/bad senerio if i did loose at this point.
and she said something that was so true but kinda hit a nerve, she goes "t seems like you have all of this rehearsed, like you know exactly the right thing to say to me."
i was like, "i guess idk, i have been through a lot of therapy, IP 3 times and outpatient for like 4 months..." so i guess its true...i do know so much about my ED and the "right" thing to say...
and also in my head i was like yea i guess i am just like repeating my blog post from this morning or a few days ago..." haha whatever...well i guess i just know way too much about my ED and about ED's in general....we all do right? ;)
i really like this therapist, probably the one of best ones i have ever seen,just tha t bothered me a bit...because i was just saying what was on my mind...and when i said the weight i don't want to go over, she was like "well that is really distorted because a professional would hear that number and immediately think of putting you in IP, yet that number is safe for you?" well i guess that just shows how distorted i am in the way i think about my weight...
i have always hated my therapists in IP and a few others, but this one i am seeing now, i like, she is good,, she is actually really nice, and easy to talk to.
but in treatment that was a total different story...in 2007-2008 my first time being IP my T was a total bitch, she HATED me...ha okay well if any one who were in renfrew, will know who i am talking about... all i have to say is crazy hair lady ;)
haha okay well this story isnt that funny.
well i remember screaming at her and my dad during family therapy and running out of the office screaming "Theres NO way in F****** hell i am not relapsing!!!!" yea pretty over dramatic
much?
i think probably everyone who was on that floor pretty much heard me...
i remember being just so angry, and so spiteful.
i was stuck in IP for almost 4 months, and didn't leave one single time!
ugh...that was a while back...feels like decades ago.
sorry that had nothing to do with much of this post...just kinda an interesting little story...kind of non?
I think after i yelled that i went outside and in the first time in my life i had an urge to do something to end my life :( never except that day did i feel like that...
i wanted so badly just to run into the streets or jump off the edge of the wall into the field below....:(
that was a sad,sad day....horrible experience in IP that time, i was just so unmotivated and non compliant...
now dont worry i am like a whole different girly. ;)
definitely going to be making brown rice porridge's and perhaps quinoa and other grains into breakfast's!...i have so many ideas! :)
I remember when i was 16, i saw this holistic health counselor, who was so amazing, and so inspiring, Maya and i would go to her home and cook with her, and talk about nutrition, do yoga, and make dream boards(like an inspiration collage) that we would put pics of things we wanted in our life on it! she was so lovely, she introduced us to goji berries, papaya, coconut, lots of other things... and would always eat brown rice for breakfast with coconut oil and fruit :)
Well to make this breakfast i cooked 1/4 cup dry basmati brown rice in water until fluffy and done, then let it sit and heated it up and poured 1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla hemp milk over top, 1/2 a melted banana mixed in, 2 tbsp of raisins, cinnamon, clove, vanilla extract and a drizzle of raw honey. and topped with 2 tbsp of toasted chopped walnuts, and a bit more hemp milk poured over at the end.
this was so splendid, and smelled heavenly while cooking! loved it and savored each bite!
Maggie starts such great breakfast trends, love everything she comes up with! :)
Well ahhh today i am feeling good, pretty good i guess, i think i should perhaps do some art today, i don't know...hmmm...i am feeling motivated, and my season with my nutritionist the other day was great, love this lady, she looked through my food journal and said it looked like i had a great diet...just i need to up my calories more this week, and perhaps mroe variety and more protein and drink more water...(ha remember when i would drink like 20 cups a day! jeezz things have changed lol)i feel it will just get harder and harder the longer i stay at 2200...and i know i need more to repair my body...despite that my ED tells me that i am fine because i gained like 4-5 lbs since i have been on this amt, but i know i must take that leap.
well yesterday at the school it was triggering to see they had a HUGE gym with like 50+ elliptical trainers and tread mills etc, my ED got so excited that if i go here i could use these machines and i was just having all these thoughts of how i could drop so much while away from home...but NO way will i listen to my ED...i must take care of my body, and in the future even if i am at a healthy weight i know i must be super careful with things like this....
well i stood there in the gym, and looked in the huge tall mirrors around the room and it clicked, o.m.g i look like shit. i looked so much smaller than everyone, a bit demented....and my legs looked like little twigs...it scared me to be honest, i had no clue i looked so bad...i seriously was shocked to see myself in a full length mirror next to other people.
Its so scary that one minute i see someone so huge and then i can have such a moment when i see the opposite. ED Is such a liar, and an ass.
well today i think i am going to just lay low and relax, i am not feeling too well, getting sick again...and i hate it, every time i have a fever or cold, my mom doesn't believe me because even though i feel like i am burning up, my hands are still freezing....
and it is so hard to eat all my meals and snacks without having urges not to due to feeling sicky, but i always do 100% of my meals and snacks despite that...yesterday was just so draining and long.
my post last night i was feeling really unmotivated to be honest, really low and sad, and in the car ride home from Brooklyn i was having major urges, thinking about loosing the 10lbs i've put on :( just feeling depressed....i dont even know why i was thinking all this?
My Therapist the other day was good...she told me that if i loose any weight i am going to be sent to IP...i was like, "why?!" i havent lost anything yet and i am consistently gaining 1-2 lbs a week?"(in my head)... why does she think i would loose? i feel like a lot of professionals often dont believe in me, but i know she just said this because of my weight, and i know it would be a dangerous/bad senerio if i did loose at this point.
and she said something that was so true but kinda hit a nerve, she goes "t seems like you have all of this rehearsed, like you know exactly the right thing to say to me."
i was like, "i guess idk, i have been through a lot of therapy, IP 3 times and outpatient for like 4 months..." so i guess its true...i do know so much about my ED and the "right" thing to say...
and also in my head i was like yea i guess i am just like repeating my blog post from this morning or a few days ago..." haha whatever...well i guess i just know way too much about my ED and about ED's in general....we all do right? ;)
i really like this therapist, probably the one of best ones i have ever seen,just tha t bothered me a bit...because i was just saying what was on my mind...and when i said the weight i don't want to go over, she was like "well that is really distorted because a professional would hear that number and immediately think of putting you in IP, yet that number is safe for you?" well i guess that just shows how distorted i am in the way i think about my weight...
i have always hated my therapists in IP and a few others, but this one i am seeing now, i like, she is good,, she is actually really nice, and easy to talk to.
but in treatment that was a total different story...in 2007-2008 my first time being IP my T was a total bitch, she HATED me...ha okay well if any one who were in renfrew, will know who i am talking about... all i have to say is crazy hair lady ;)
haha okay well this story isnt that funny.
well i remember screaming at her and my dad during family therapy and running out of the office screaming "Theres NO way in F****** hell i am not relapsing!!!!" yea pretty over dramatic
much?
i think probably everyone who was on that floor pretty much heard me...
i remember being just so angry, and so spiteful.
i was stuck in IP for almost 4 months, and didn't leave one single time!
ugh...that was a while back...feels like decades ago.
sorry that had nothing to do with much of this post...just kinda an interesting little story...kind of non?
I think after i yelled that i went outside and in the first time in my life i had an urge to do something to end my life :( never except that day did i feel like that...
i wanted so badly just to run into the streets or jump off the edge of the wall into the field below....:(
that was a sad,sad day....horrible experience in IP that time, i was just so unmotivated and non compliant...
now dont worry i am like a whole different girly. ;)
well off to my day...ohh yea Thursday....farmers Market yay!..hope we go! :)
And shout out to the beautiful amazing Chandra who's birthday is today! love you girly! Happy birthday :)
xo
Eliza
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
20 lovies spoke:
Have a wonderful day hun!! Love you!! ;) <3
Feel better Eliza...have you tried Airborne before? I'm coming down with something as well, and lots of people I work with swear by it. Just tried the grapefruit kind - not bad, and loaded with amino acids and things.
sorry the therapist didn't go well :( but i'm glad you wer eable to fight the thoughts about the gym at the school that you saw.. and you are doing great, keep it up! you know what you need to do girl!
xoxo
shelley
You are sooo sweet! Sweeter then cherry pie oats! Thank you for the shout out love :) I'm so glad you challenged yourself with brown rice..its such a promising grain. Maybe try oatmeal pancakes tomorrow? That would be awesome. You can adventure out of the oat zone..I know you can :) We seriously should have a fear challenge week where we challenge eachother to foods that we havent tried or afraid to...it would be wonderful.
Have a great day and I'm sorry about the therapist!
Maggie
I'm thinking of you, Eliza. <3 Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately (on anyone's blog, really) but you're still in my thoughts - remember that. I hope you get to go to the farmer's market today and that you enjoy it. :)
xx
Heather
Hey Girlie! I LOVED this post. I actually would love to use it as a guest post on my blog (let me know if you would be interested!)
I can relate to your feelings in the gym all so well! I hated feeling skinny and frail! I wanted so badly to be healthy enough to go to the gym and not feel horribly guilty and self conscious for being threr. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. It brought me a wonderful feeling to know that someone went through exactly what I did (in a slightly different way). ED makes you feel so alone. When intact you have a HUGE support network. And an even bigger blogging family!
That bugs me what your therapist said. It is crazy what things i have heard from doctors. If they only have any idea how much their statements hurt!
Good morning, beautiful girl
I am so proud of you, I want to give you a giant hug right now for breaking out of your typical breakfast oatmeal and accomplishing your goal, even if it was just a mini version of the goal. Someday I know you are going to be having waffles for breakfast.... one step at a time :)
You are going in the right direction, though!
What a lovely meal.
Definitely take the leap and up your calories, you’re just hurting your metabolism for the future and I know you don’t want that... Eliza wants to live life to the fullest!
And sweetie <3, take care of yourself. You may have caught a bug from all the people at the school yesterday.
I’ve been feeling nasty lately too... what do you say we both relax today and listen to our bodies and give it the rest it needs? We deserve to treat our bodies to relaxation.
But we have to stick to our meal plan, because when our bodies are feeling sick, we need that food even MORE so that we can fuel our body to find any nasty bugs trying to get us sick! Think about that.
Your story made me a little sad Eliza, you being at such a low point. You are so much better right now that it is incredible! (That is NOT a compliment to bring our ‘Eliza’s ED’, so shut up, jerk!).
I know because you say you’ve already gained some weight, ED tries to tell you to stop now, but you’ve gotta ignore that bitch-ass jerk-butt poop-face!
Wow... mature... but yeah :) its true.
Hope you go to the Farmer’s Market!
LOVE YOU sooooo much!
<3Karina
oh.my.god. your breakfast looks amaze! thanks for stepping outside the box with me today lovie :) i hope you feel better asap. stay strong love you.
Dear Eliza,
I was sorry to hear that renfrew story. crazy hair lady. therapists should make us feel better- well sometimes they make us feel worse, but usually it pays off in us feeling better later.
do you tell your therapist that it is really upsetting when she speaks as if she is just expecting you to do poorly? and that it makes doing well harder for you? how might she respond to that? you go to her for you, not HER, after all.
stay strong!
Eliza,
I'm glad we had that little 'chat' this morning :)
You are such a beautiful, intelligent and strong young lady-- inside and out. Cheer up, you have more than a half of a day to make today all it can be. And if today isn't a good day, remember that you can start fresh tomorrow.
Smile, lovely lady. And enjoy the day!
with tons and tons of love,
becca
don't let what your therapist said to you throw you off. i'm sure she is just trying to get to understand you and what you are going through so she can help you. your breakfast looked delicious by the way, i've never thought to have that but maybe i will try it!!
love you so much baby girl! stay motivated and well!
<3
I hate looking back and thinking "I was overly dramatic"It makes you feel a bit silly.Anyways, your breakkie looked interesting.
Stay strong darling
(-:
Namaste
Where you feeling anxious about leaving to college? Because if you were even feeling, unconsciously, the ED would sneak in and tell you things that are dangerous that it thinks might make you feel better.
But it won't. Because loosing those 10lbs will mean, yeah you don't go to college, but you're going through this all again.
I had the WORST T in IP too, she told me I didn't know what feelings where because if I'd let myself get that bad I was obviously the devil. And she started getting angry and telling me 'do you even love your family? do you know what feelings are?' and I was like "I wanna get better" and she was like 'well your so sick, I don't' think you will, so lets use some words to describe you, pathetic?"
She didn't specialize in EDs, but she kept saying mean stuff and then saying 'how do you feel' and so I stood up, opened the door, screamed 'so how do YOU feel' and ran out.
hehe
xxxx love you amazing infinitely girlie xxxx
I remember 'Crazy Hair Lady'. (>_<) Indeed her hair was crazy.
crazy hair lady......enough said :-(
you know what, as long as you believe in yourself, thats all that matters. dont let other people make you question how committed to getting better you are.
nice breaky!
have a lovely day xx
hey girlie
i have actually been a long time reader and decided to delurk today!
your oatie creations seriously are inspiring!!
glad that you really like going to your nutritionist. she sounds like a wonderful lady!
You and your sis had a great breakfast today, way to get crazy in the kitchen! I love it!
i love your breakfast!! hmm like rice pudding, or maybe even better :D
sweetie don't be scared of the gym. remeber that when you are at a healthier weight your mind will also change and you will realize that you do not need to spend hours and hours on the gym to look thin. you can just eat and be healthy by doing a little bit one step at a time. exercise should be fun and should be good for the bosy not harm it. right now for me no exercise is all i need. maybe there are other poeple who think when you're at a healthy weight you should exercise but you know my body is telling me it just wants to rest and eat ;) yeah my body is kinda lazy. hihi. but it feels really good right now so i am sticking with it
take care hun and if you ever need someone to talk msg me on FB or email me okay?
love you
xoxo
way to go, girly!!! that breakfast looks incredible. ive always loved rice pudding, even as a little girl. i would love to try this soon. or at least try stepping out of my oaty-comfort zone...so im going to try tomorrow morning. you are amazing :)
i love your stories and retelling the past. its great insight lizey, and we can all learn or resonate with it. the past is in the past. so just keep being you :) you are who we believe in and want to keep cheering on! and your holistic counselor. lol i remember you telling me about her breakfast of goji berries and coconut oil! so funny! love it hehe. (and ps. im so glad we are over that h20 phase!) lol. that was nutzo.
well i hope you are feeling better lovie! being sick with urges is the worst. but remember to keep building your immune system with nourishment because a simple case of the flu could be very scary/fatal (to anyone of us)! rest up, enjoy toast & honey, lots of tea...warm baths.
i cannot wait to talk to you cuties tomorrow!!!
love you forever.
xo bunny
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