Monday 11.23.09

Good morning lovies,

happy Monday, almost thanksgiving, ahh...i think today we are going food shopping to get some stuff to cook so we can bring food to my aunt's house on Thursday...i got some great ideas from Laci, she suggested EXACTLY what i had in mind! ;)

Well this morning for breakfast had such a delicious bowl of oatmeal, had maple walnut raisin oats: Scottish porridge cooked in hemp milk and water, with lots of cinnamon, clove, ginger and nutmeg. a banana, 2 tbsp raisins and topped with the most delicious maple coated walnuts, that i picked up yesterday at the co-op! simple and perfect bowl of oatmeal.

Well i have been feeling okay lately, a lot of bad body image issues etc...and just a bit scared that my mind will not follow when i get to a good weight, and i will still be afraid of certain foods, and i wont be happy with my body...and just fearing that i will relapse, again. But i know i have more to keep me going than i have ever had, like the fact that i will most likely be going away to school this fall, and that i am turning 20, wow...okay, that is so weird and scary to think about, i really feel like i am still 14-16 years old...which is sad...

But i cant stop these horrible ED thoughts that are contantly saying that, i will loose it all, or stop gaining now...these thoughts are so prominant in my mind each day, and that scares me...so many things scare me...I dont want to be struggling with Anorexia for my whole life, and sometimes i feel like i will be, and i will never get better, and i will never recover fully.
I dont know why i think this, i see that i am strong, and i see that i do have the strengh to recover, but in the past 3 years of being IP and OP so so many times, a lot of therapists and counselers etc have reinforced it in my mind that i am hopeless, so sick...and always treat Maya nad i differently, hold us back in the level system becasue they think the whole twin anorexic thing is so helpless/hopless...and calling me on the phone when i left and telling me i cant come back to that center, because they cant help me anymore...i dont know...i dont know why i am writting about this, i guess at the moment, i am feeling a tad hopeless. Although i have stuck to 2500 cals since wednesday, and i havent skimped or backed down at all...i am sticking to this like it was a test sheet.

I also dont know if i should blog each day...?
it is so helpful to get all the wonderful comments, and i love all you guys so much, and am so thankful for this community. I was thinking this morning that i should maybe start posting like a few times a week.
At a point last spring, blogging was so stressful, and i would revolve my eats around if it was "post worthy' now i really dont care if my food looks excited or whatever, so i dont know why i post my food, i feel like my eats are the same each day in some sort, and i should just post when i made something super good, or a new recipe?...

I guess i feel like i have so much to say, maybe too much?...but i love using my blog as an open journal, and it helps me a lot...and hope that sometimes i am helping others, or inspiring others in some way...
but then i feel like if i just write, and i didn't post a picture of my eats, noone will read or comment? idk...prob. not true...but i do love photography and food photography, and cooking, etc...and of course oatmeal creations haha..
so what do you guys think about me posting, should i post less?
idk.. *sigh* i will think about this today...but i find i am a bit addicted to blogging haha, that is such a funny thing to be addicted to, but is that a sign that i need to get a life? :/ i mean my morning posts only takes me 1 hr at the most, prob less, and i wake up so early anyways...wow okay now i am rambling...i will stop and leave you all lovies with some of my eats from yesterday, haha...

Pistachio lara bar, my first flavor i ever tried :) and one of my favorites, prob like 2nd fav haha... love pistachios, they are considered the "happy nut" haha love it :) had this with a tiny clementine, and one slice of ezekiel toast spread with sweet potato butter.

Lunch was an apple kabocha tahini wrap: a whole wheat wrap with raw tahini, apple slices, steamed kabocha sqaush, baby spinach and sprouts, and some pumpkin seeds in the wrap as well, all dusted with cinnamon, cumin and ginger, and heated up on a pan...with the rest of the apple on the side. loved this wrap so good, my wraps are so freakin random lol...nuts/seeds and nut butters and fruit and squash lol in a wrap ha, i am so odd. :P but this was delicious ;)

Afternoon snack was plain oikos greek yogurt with natures path pumpkin flax plus granola, with sliced almonds and more flax, a few prunes chopped and 1/2 a small banana sliced, with a flavored honey stick on top(i dont know what flavor haha i think it was peach? lol...so random ;) love randomness...

dinner last night was sweet coconut curry tempeh in whole wheat couscous:
whole wheat couscous with steamed zucchini and bell pepper and onion, with baked veggie tempeh seasoned with indian spices, with lots of almonds, and a coocnut milk sauce made with light coconut milk mixed with a tbsp of so of pumpkin puree, seasoned with curry, ginger, cumin and cinnamon.

Nighty snack was a persimmon, spread with raw MaraNatha almond butter, and some Trader joe's plain Frozen yogurt dusted with cinnamon. after had the last square the Ritter marzipan dark chocolate ♥

have a lovely Monday.
lots of love
xo
Eliza
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Sunday 11.22.09

Good morning lovies

Happy Sunday :) well this morning for breakfast i had such a delicious medley of dried fruits in my oats, love dried fruits as you guys know :) so i had multi grain oats cooked in 1/4 organic skim milk and 1/4 hemp milk(yes i know i am crazy :P...) cinnamon, clove, ginger spices. 1 tbsp of each, currants, dried blueberries, and dried Bing cherries and goji berries, 1/2 a banana cooked in, and topped with raw almonds and raw peanuts.

You are all probably wondering what's with the odd milk ratio?? lol...yea, well Maya and i are really trying to up our sodium, it is getting dangerous, and our blood pressures are extremely low, and if this goes on for longer we could possibly have a seizure, stroke etc...and lots of other damage...also we are trying to get over this irrational ED fear before we get to a healthy weight, we have time, yes, but i just don't want to still be terrified of going over a certain intake when i am at a healthy weight and maintaining in the future...
I want to be able to enjoy food, go out to eat, and not worry about how much sodium was in this or that...but the skim milk yea pretty wimpy, 1/4 yea i know....but the hemp milk, yes i love it, its amazing.... but maybe a part of the reason i get it is because it has 1/4 or less of the amount of sodium there is in other "milks" so this morning my mom had skim milk in the fridge and Maya and i thought it would be a good step(baby step) to start to introduce higher sodium dairies into our meal plan...so we can use almond, rice, hemp, hazelnut, skim, any milk etc...we want and not be afraid...
and it is an obvious easy way to make my breakfasts more calories so it isn't so freakin hard to reach 2500 calories a day without having to have like 2 afternoon snacks :/ *sigh*

I am so annoyed with myself. i used to meal plan back in the spring and that made it easy to get the right amount each day without having to eat a lot of different random things...i wasn't afraid of sodium then so i guess that made it easier, to have like a sunshine burger or a bagel etc...and what not....but now i am scared of meal planning and i HATE it, because i want to eat intuitively, and i like to go along my day and when the meal or snack comes i like to think "what does Eliza want?" ...but it is hard, because i usually end up eating like a bunch of almonds, a square of dark chocolate, a box of raisins or an apple etc something like that, at around like 4 or 5 pm...but i am going to make it a goal to start planning a bit, not compulsively like i have done before, but just so i can have a general idea of what my day of eats will look like...and another goal is to get that freakin sodium intake up to a normal level... :/ seriously i can not believe i have still managed to consume under 300 mg a day on this 2500 cal diet, this is ridiculous, and i need to kick it asap, and i will...and i cant wait, i need to do it today, get over my stupid limit, and face it head on.

It is really the stupidest fear i have ever had or heard of because all it is affecting is my blood pressure and dizziness etc...its not making me gain less or anything, so why am i scared? i have no freakin clue!
Eating disorders are so irrational and some things just make no sense...there was one time in IP at meal support group after lunch, when this girl said, " i am just freaking out because of the salt in that meal." and then she goes, "I know that sounds crazy..." and the counselor said, "yea it does sound crazy." and i sat there and was thinking, why would she be scared of salt/sodium??
but now i know... there are so many ED food fears, and it varies so much from each girl to the next...and none of them ever make any sense...because food is nourishment, food should and IS safe and all food is medicine for someone with an ED...and we should not be scared of anything, because we all deserve what we want and we all need food to live.

well ahhh i have a lot on my mind but i dont want ot make this post a novel... ;) but i am just stressing out so so much about applying to colleges, getting my art portfolio together, thinking "do i really want to go into art?" or should i go into like psychology or something else? idk...i love art but i just don't know if i can make a career out of it, and i find it so competitive...ugh...i may want to go into like acupuncture or something with health? ugh so stressful...but it will all take care of itself and i will end up where i am supposed to be, but all this stuff i must do, and study for the ACT's is really affecting my anxiety and i am feeling so low...i need to remember my health comes first...i cant go to college unless i am healthy, so i need to remember that my recovery and weight restoration as #1 on the list.

Morning snack was an apple larabar and a cup of warm apple cider. i like this flavor a lot, but not on my top favorites, i think the best apple flavor fruit and nut bar is def the Pure apple bar and the Trek apple bar, ahh too bad that don't sell those Trek and Nak'd bars in the US they are amaze.

lunch was avocado, Trader Joe's cranberry apple butter, sprouts, baby spinach, and onion on Ezekiel bread. with a side of steamed kabocha squash with cinnamon.

In the afternoon i snacked on a little trail mix i made with goji berries, craisins, TJ dark chocolate covered express beans, and a dried black mission fig.

after going to town, and to picking up some goodies to send to a lovely bloggie friend ;)
came home and had a yogurt mess with, 1/2 cup oikos Greek yogurt + pumpkin puree + pumpkin pie spices...with a homemade muesli with oats, dried cranberries, 1/2 a mini cashew larabar and topped with 1 tbsp of MaraNatha almond butter.

Dinner last night was brown rice, with lots of pistachios, pomegranate perils, steamed cauliflower, steamed kabocha squash and asparagus and bell pepper, a bit of tofu...and all seasoned with curry, chili, cumin, ginger, cinnamon, and turmeric.

Night snack was 1/2 cup trader Joe's fat free plain frozen yogurt dusted with pumpkin pie spice. topped with a prune and 1 tbsp of raisins, and a TJ iced gingerbread man crumbled on top...in honor of yesterday being national ginger bread day hehe ;) thanks to VeggieGirl i am always informed which national food day it is ;) ♥

***FYI, today is National Cashew day ;) haha

lots of love
xo
Eliza
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Saturday, 11.21.09

Good morning lovies,
happy Saturday...this mornings oatmeal was amazing had a bowl of creamy coconut date oat bran: oat bran cooked in water lots of cinnamon, clove, ginger and cardamom, sweetened with a bit of truvia, 1/4 cup lite coconut milk poured over top and some cooked into the oat bran, with a banana, and a medjool date, topped with slivered almonds. this was the best, love coconut + dates, definitely my favorite oat bran add ins. :)

Well i am not feeling too well today, as well as feeling a bit sick, head ache-y and sniffles.
I am having major body image issues, this morning it probably took me three times as long as usual to get dressed and find something to wear. I just kept taking things off, with such anger and frustration, because all my favorite sweaters aren't as loose as they were a month or 2 back, and obviously fit differently... duh Eliza you've gained over 10 lbs...!!! well i guess my clothes, they now just fit better than before... just not hanging on me so much.
my ED was just getting so scared, and upset and i ended up just wearing a long sleeve shirt under my jacket, that i am not planning on taking off the whole day.
last winter i weighed a bit more at this time than i do now but still obv. at a low weight, and in school i would NEVER take off my coat the entire day, well a part of it was that it was freezing in that school, but i then i was just so self conscious of my body.

I just have so many clothes and outfits that i love, yet my ED won't allow me to wear them because my ED says "they make me look fat" or they "don't make me look thin enough"...this is so frustrating, because Eliza loves fashion, and i think my ED prohibits me from expressing my self through fashion because i always end up wearing baggy sweaters or a jacket/coat or a sweatshirt on most days...
yet when i am at a severely low weight my ED lets me wear anything because i feel so small, and have no body whatsoever that i feel safe to wear anything, but now as i am gaining health i just cant handle seeing clothing fit me differently, or just seeing my body in general....and the fact that i must gain more, just at the moment is making me sick to my stomach, with fear and disgust that i am going to be huge...i feel like i am supposed to be small framed and my ideal weight is less than the avg girl my height, i don't think i need to get to this weight my doctor and N want me at, ugh...

I know that the fact that my clothes aren't as baggy and disgustingly loose on me is a good sign, but i cant help but let my ED thoughts get carried away and convince me its a horrible thing, i need to accept this and try to feel confident in my skin as i am in this gaining process, because i want to get to a healthy place, and feel confident when i am there in the future.

I am just in an awful mood at the moment, i have to leave to go to that art class, and i am not feeling up to it at all, i just want to hide in my room or go on a long walk alone, not really feeling up to drawing today...and i hate that this class is figure drawing because i have taken over 5 figure drawing classes in the past 4 years and i think i need to take a different sort of art class.. but i guess i will go, i just hate that i may probably call my mom to pick me up half way through the class, mentally i am not feeling good, really struggling with this all, and i don't know if i will be able to focus today at art class....

a few eats from yesterday (Friday)

warm apple sauce + pumpkin warmed up with cranberries nutmeg and cinnamon.

Lunch was a whole wheat flat out wrap stuffed with steamed kabocha, pinto beans, sprouts, bell pepper and baby spinach and lots of raw pistachios, grilled up...so random but delicious.

walked to the market and bought some persimmons and other things we needed...walked home and had after noon snack.
sans salt cottage cheese with a persimmon, raw almonds.
also un-pictured had 1 slice Ezekiel toast with a bit of PB and vanilla nectarine preserves.

last night after dinner which was a brown rice dish edaname, grated carrot, string beans + lots of raw cashews.
i had the best snack, honey sauteed apple tahini frozen yogurt an apple sauteed on a pan with some apple cider and pumpkin pie spice until the apple was cooked and caramelized.
Then put the apple slices over plain TJ fat free frozen yogurt with a drizzle of tahini + honey. loved this.

hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday
lots of love
xo
Eliza